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We have got a video of MUM dancing on her bed and singing, this was a woman who knows she has not got long on this earth, but she made our last few weeks with her so easy.
Take a look at the video below to see her dancing bless her.
She loved Jordan and Peter Andre and the last week she was here she asked "Does peter know what is happening" and we said "yes".
She also loved Monkey World she could name all the monkeys.
And she loved watching "Steve Irwin" so when he passed she was so upset. Its strange to think that Steve joined the angels not long before she did and then "Jim Cronin" who ran Monkey world passed 6 months after MUM. she loved animals.
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It is now 9th September and my mum had a water infection so we called for the doctor and to our absolute amazement he was from Germany.
So my mum was chatting away in Austrian to him, it was so good that my mum got to speak her own language for the last time, he was fantastic with her.
14th September MUM is sleeping a lot more in the day now she wakes up for just short periods but she is comfortable.
15th September a nurse came and said should she catheterize her and our MUM woke up and spoke so clearly and said "No way" we had to laugh and did not let it happen.
Then on the morning of 16th September i got the call from my sister to come quickly, by the time we got there my beautiful MUM was lying flat on the bed,
I make a point of saying lying flat as my sister would never let her lie flat because that would of given her a chest infection and there was no way she was going to get that on top of everything else.
The angels had finally taken her she looked so beautiful and peaceful.
There was one thing my MUM did not like and that was to be picked up, but my brother inlaw had the last word as it was him who picked her up and lay on her the bed the funeral directors had brought.
While our MUM was in the funeral parlor we went and put her pink nightie on her and a lovely soft cardigan and slippers, then when it was time to bring her home, my sisters went and dressed her in a beautiful pink dress with white dots and a pink cardigan and purple shoes.
27th September she came home for the last time they brought her in in a beautiful pink coffin with a golden sunset and a tree and rosary beads on it, there was also a poem which I wrote printed on it:
OUR MUM AND NANA
EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE NOT WITH US FOR VERY LONG, OUR LOVE FOR YOU IS SO VERY STRONG.
YOUR LOVE CARRIED US THROUGH THE GOOD AND BAD TIMES, AND NOW OUR LOVE YOU WILL CARRY YOU TO A HIGHER GROUND.
YOU WERE WITH US RIGHT AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
AND WE WERE WITH YOU RIGHT AT THE VERY ENDING.
BUT EVEN THOUGH WE WILL CRY THIS IS GOODNIGHT AND NOT GOODBYE.
THE LOVE YOU GAVE WILL LAST FOREVER, THE SIZE OF IT WE CANNOT MEASURE.
THE ANGELS CAME FOR YOU TODAY, IT HURTS SO MUCH WE WANTED YOU TO STAY.
WE KNOW YOU ARE IN A BETTER PLACE, AND WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU’RE SMILING FACE.
WHERE YOU HAVE GONE THERE IS NO PAIN OR SORROW, THERE ISN’T EVEN A TOMORROW.
BUT THERE IS LOVE AND HAPPINESS FOR ALL TO SHARE AND ONE DAY OUR DARLING MUM & NANA WE WILL BE THERE.
SO WE WRITE THIS TO YOU WITH SORROW AND PAIN, KNOWING LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
SO OUR DARLING BEAUTIFUL MUM & NANA HERE IS A KISS AND A HUG FROM US ALL TO SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY.
AND ALL WE ASK IS THAT GOD KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL IT IS TIME FOR US TO BE TOGETHER ON OUR GLORIOUS DAY.
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There she was laying in the middle of her front room, with music playing in the background she loved music so we played all of her favorites.
People came in and said there goodbyes, but through the tears we laughed and talked about her Break dancing and landing up underneath the sink she was so funny.
And when father Jimmy came my sister said hello Jim (The silly girl forgot herself for a minute lol).
There was so many people and he said His breath was taken away in all of his 12 years and traveling around the world he had never seen a coffin as beautiful as our MUM'S.
And that this is how it should be friends and family all coming together with our MUM center of attention and enjoying remembering her life.
As people started to leave it was just us kids and grand kids and I said to my sister I want there to be people lining the street tomorrow and she said "No it wont happen".
Me and my son stayed with my MUM all night we sat in her living room with her she was never left alone.
28th September a beautiful sunny day, it was early morning when the people started to arrive, then someone said "There here" it was Horses with pink plumes and a carriage and 6 burgundy limousines.
We told people to dress brightly as our MUM loved pink, red and black.
People were standing outside when they carried our MUM out for the last time.
We all got into the cars there was so many cars following that traffic came to a standstill when we got to the roundabout.
Then as we got closer to the church we were not prepared in anyway for what we saw there were masses of people lining the pathway outside the church.
The boys carried our MUM into the church with AVE MARIA playing.
We had a huge picture of MUM so everyone could see how beautiful she was, people came from far and wide, we were all sitting at the front of the church and when it was time to leave we turned around and was shocked yet again at the amount of people that had came.
We said our final goodbyes at Gilrose cemetery as we came in with her "Tu Pac" was playing on the sound system "Thugs Mansion" then we played "Dear Momma" by "Tu Pac" and the last song of all was "Please don't make me cry" which is an old reggae song that my step dad Roosevelt loved.
He joined the angels on 24th November 1974 at the age of just 34, he was the father of our youngest brother Charlie, who basically never left home (even though he has got 3 kids) but he never left our MUM he was her baby and he still is , he still lives in there house he hasn't changed a thing.
There are her slippers still in the living room where she left them.
Our MUM was cremated and her ashes were put in a casket identical to her her coffin, we had all of our names including grand kids and the cat.
We are all she had left in the world.
Anyway we were not happy with the size of the headstones for cremation plots so we brought 2 plots and designed our own headstone that spans across the 2 plots to go onto it, and my sister pushed and pushed and managed to get it put in just before Christmas 2006.
Here is what we had put on her stone:
JOSEPHINE BARROWS (JOSIE)
OUR BEAUTIFUL MUM / NANA WAS BORN IN AUSTRIA ON 11TH MAY 1937
THE ANGELS CAME FOR YOU ON 16TH SEPTEMBER 2006
AT JUST 69 YEARS OF AGE.
WE SAT BY YOUR BEDSIDE HOLDING YOUR HAND,
WE KNEW WE HAD TO PART.
AND WHEN WE SAW THAT YOU HAD GONE,
IT REALLY BROKE OUR HEARTS.
YOU CAN’T COME BACK WE KNOW THAT’S TRUE,
BUT ONE DAY MUM WE WILL COME TO YOU.
NANA YOU ARE OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL,
YOU SIT ON A STAR ABOVE.
WE FEEL YOU EVERYWHERE WE GO,
SURROUNDING US WITH LOVE.
WIR LIEBEN SIE UNSERE SCHÖNE MUTTER.
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May 11th 2007 MUM'S 70th Birthday we all went up and let off 70 pink helium filled balloons.
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So here we are almost a year has passed and it does not get any easier, we cry everyday I never knew what death really was, of course we had people we loved pass, but this is totally different our hearts are well and truly broken we miss her so much and as each day passes we miss her more.
our MUM was in so much pain up until we found out what was wrong with her, but from then onwards she had morphine and then she was given her life back for a short time.
Please do not get it wrong our MUM was so funny she had us and the grand kids in stitches and no one could say anything about any of us because in her eyes we could do no wrong, well after all we are her Children..
Below you will see our MUM a few months before she took really ill, discussing BOGOF bless her lol.
And then you can see her in the last weeks of her life dancing in bed, i think we can all agree on one thing she made us laugh no matter what.
This is just a small tribute from all of your children and grandchildren ...
Thanks MUM you cared for us and taught us how to Love and above all you made us all feel Loved.
This is the end of her short journey on this earth, our MUM is now paving the way for us when we finish our journey here.
We know she will be waiting there for us.
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3rd September 2007
Well it was my birthday the other day and it brought home that My Mum is gone, I was waiting for my phone to ring and the voice on the other side singing happy birthday, but that call never came.
My family were asking what do I want for my birthday, I said nothing because there is only one thing I want and I can't have it so I would rather have nothing at all
Since my Mum joined the Angels it's like my life has started again, but this life is now filled with some laughter but Lot's of crying and pain in my heart that will just not go.
I can still hear your voice Mum and how it felt to hold your hand and kiss you, you had the softest smoothest skin, you never looked your age there were no wrinkles to give your age away.
I think if someone could invent something to mend a broken heart they would be the richest person on earth.
Mum you gave us all so much but the only thing you took in return was our hearts.
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15th September 2007.
It's a year ago tomorrow that my beautiful Mum was taken by the angels, but I have to write this today as for me the 15th was the last time I saw her and heard her speak.
My heart hurts so much words can't explain there is nothing i can say to actually express the sorrow i feel.
My brother Charlie summed it up the other day he said "We are now living a lie" and that is because when people ask us are you ok? we say "yes" when what we really want to say is "no" our Mum is gone and hearts are broken.
So we will carry on lying until we are with her again.
How can a year be so short and yet so long?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I knew I loved you in my heart I knew this to be true.
But I never realised just how much I would miss you.
It has hit me like no other feeling I have had before.
I would give anything to hear your voice and see your smiling face coming through the door.
As i held your hand for the last time and looked on your beautiful face,
I saw something I had not seen for along time and that was Peace.
So my darling Mum you have left behind all of the pain and broken hearts,
Because for you my beautiful Mum you have made a new start.
For you are now with all the people who left you behind,
You loved them like we do you and they were always on your mind.
They say that time is a great healer and you learn to live apart,
But tell me this how do you mend a broken heart?
I have one wish since my heart has been broken,
But we all know a wish cannot come true if it has been spoken.
So take care my darling Mum in that paradise far away,
Until the day that i can join you,
When peace and happiness will too come my way.
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28th September 2007
Well it was a year ago that I last saw your face or held your hand or kissed you, myself and my son Imran sat with you all night ready to take you on your last journey.
I had a dream this morning, there was me Angela and Maria in a hall, it was a christening and then we were sitting at a table and you were sitting next to me and all of a sudden that song started playing "Walk the streets at night" and I looked at you, you were wearing a flowered top and you held me my face was near your neck and I was holding you , you never spoke and I said "I miss you Mum I want you back" I kept saying it and you just held me and then I woke up it was 7.01am and I was crying, I'm still crying now, I know it is going to be a bad day today, I've had a lot of them since you have been gone.
Why did You have to go?
I love you mum.
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2nd October 2007
I have got this feeling that stays with me all the time.
My throat feels tight, my eyes feels strange there is a stinging feeling behind them when i think of you.
But most of all i have an under lying sadness that never goes away, it hangs like a dark cloud over me, it's there as soon as i wake up and stays with me all day until i go to sleep.
I ask for you to come to my dreams because i just need to see you and feel you close to me, even though when i wake up it makes me realise that you are not here.
As you grow up over the years you go through bad times and think it's the end of the world and that you will never get over it.
Well trust me nothing compares or comes close to this, because i know i am going to have to live with losing my Mum for the rest of my life.
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22nd October 2007
Ive gotten to the point where i cannot let myself think, i need to be doing something all of the time, i am so tired but if i let myself stop my head will explode.
I look for signs from you Mum i know you are here with me, well i hope you are,
Because before i lost you i thought there was nothing after we leave this earth, it's like before we were born, there was nothing.
But now i pray there is something i could not bare the thought of not seeing you again, so even if when it is my time to go and my thoughts come true it wont matter because my pain will be over.
The only reason i do not go right now is because i could not afflict this pain on my darling son.
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18th April 2008
It has been a while since i wrote anything on here, I've been to a few Mediums and there is only 1 that said a few thing's that meant anything to me, but then she said a lot of random thing's as well. I do want to believe they are real but sometimes you just think they are playing with your emotions.
As for where i am right now, well my Heart is still broken i miss my Mum more as each day goes by, i find it hard to look at her picture for any length of time, even though they are all over my house, but it is just so hard to look at her face, because it makes me know that i am never going to see her again.
I cry every day there is a dark cloud over me, i feel like a part of me is missing and i just can't be put it right.
Sometimes if i laugh i feel guilty right away, but mostly i am sad but i hide it from everyone as i know we are all hurting, but if i showed how i truly felt it would be to much to bare.
A Message From Heaven.
To my dearest family some thing’s I’d like to say,
But first of all to let you know that I arrived ok.
Please do not be unhappy because im am out of sight,
Remember I am with you each morning noon and night.
That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and said,
“I welcome you”
“It’s good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone”
“As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on”.
God gave me a list of thing’s that he wished for me to do,
And foremost on the list was to watch and care for you.
When you think of my life on earth and all those loving years,
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain,
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hill’s to climb,
But together we can do it, by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you to,
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
And now that I am contented that my life was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way I made you all smile.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind….
And when it’s time for you to go,
From that body to be free.
Remember you are not going,
You are coming here to me.
LOVE MUM
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13th July 2008
I am living with so much regret and i know that i will live with it for the rest of my life, because it can never be changed. The mistakes ive made can never be put right.
The only time that i will be free of the pain in my heart is when it is my time to go and then only 1 of 2 thing's can happen and that is: I will be with my Mum and i will finally be happy or when you die there is nothing, either way i will be free of the pain i feel in my heart ...
Don't get me wrong my Son is the reason i breath, I Love him with all of my Heart, when i am feeling really low i will hear him Laugh and that makes me realise why i am still here and i would never hurt him for the world....
So i shall go on and live my life, whatever it has in store for me i do not know, but i do know one thing i have made many mistakes, i have left thing's unsaid and actions undone and am now paying for it...
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Oct 1st 2008
I was talking to my eldest brother the other day (He has never lived with us as he lived with my dad) anyway i was talking to him and i told him how I just cannot get over losing Mum and he said he felt bad also, but then carried on talking about the thing's he wanted to do.
I went away thinking he just cannot feel the same as we do and then it dawned on me: He does feel sad that Mum has gone but he does not feel the Loss that we do as we had her 24hrs a day all of our lives.
It has taken me over 2 years to explain my feelings and why i feel so bad inside all of the time, It is the loss that is hurting I have lost so much there is a massive black hole where my Mum was and it just cannot be filled, I carry it around with me everyday and to think i am going to feel like this for the rest of my life is very hard to say the least.
My Son is the only reason I am still here on this earth, I could not put him through what I am going through, that would be to cruel and I could not hurt him for the world ...
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8th October 2008
All of a sudden I realised the thing's I would never eat again because it was only my Mum that could cook them.
Potato Goulash. Made up of potatoes - German Sausage - home made Dumplings made from bread - Gherkins - all in a thick sauce flavored with Paprika. No one could ever get the texture or the taste the same as my Mum so i will never eat it again.
Stuffed Peppers Made from Peppers - Rice - Mince Meat - All in a Tomato sauce, It is quite a simple dish by my Mum's standards but it is impossible to get the taste or mixer correct.
Sour Crout. Made from obviously Sour Crout - Home made Dumplings - Smoked German Bacon all done is a sauce. Again a simple dish but a lot of work none the less because you had to fry the flour for the thickening of the sauce. Also the dumplings were just amazing my Mum was the only person who could make her special Dumplings.
Apple Strudel. Well what can I say My Mum's Strudel was the best , she made some every year at Christmas for our Doctor, everyone loved it so much. The amount of work that went into making it was huge, but she loved it when people told her how much they loved it..
These thing's and many many more will never be eaten again, Our Mum has taken so much with her and not the least our Hearts ...
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MY EYES ARE FILLED WITH TEARS.
MY HEART IS FILLED WITH THE PAIN
OF LOSING YOU,
EVEN THOUGH
IT HAS BEEN 2 YEARS.
I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND
WHY AN ANGEL CAME AND CALLED
YOU’RE NAME
AND TOOK YOU BY THE HAND.
AND SAID A PLACE WAS READY
FOR YOU IN HEAVEN UP ABOVE,
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE BEHIND
THE ONES YOU DEARLY LOVE.
I KNOW THAT WHERE YOU HAVE GONE
IT IS FOR ETERNITY,
AND YOUR LIFE ON EARTH HAS PASSED.
THERE ARE NO TOMORROWS
SO TODAY WILL ALWAYS LAST.
SO MY DARLING MUM
WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT YOU.
AND MY HEART IS FILLED WITH PAIN,
I KNOW THIS WILL NOT BE FOREVER
BECAUSE ONE DAY
YOU WILL BE MY ANGEL
AND CALL MY NAME…
It is his Birthday on Sunday and i can't wait to give him his present, it has been really difficult for me not to tell him what i have got for him, but i did it lol ...Secrets and surprises are not my strong point.
Well my Mum has brought him safely home just like i knew she would. Thanks Mum.
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NOVEMBER 10TH 2008
It was my son's birthday yesterday and it was horrible to see him so ill, he can only get up for a very short while, he went to the Hospital for his injection they kept him there over 4 hrs trying to get a vein, in the end they called for an Anesthetist he did it in 1 go. He is just so tired the PE is just sapping all of his strength.
Well Christmas will be here soon, it comes around so quickly and i dread it, i used to so look forward to it, but now it is just a horrible reminder my Mum is not here. Christmas seems to come around so quickly these day's i think mainly because i do not look to the future i just take one day at a time, so i have not got much perspective of time as one day just blends into the next.
Birthdays are another heartache for me, because i see all the cards, but there is one missing, you always knew the one from my Mum because she had her own way of spelling things we all used to laugh so much, but now i look at the cards with there perfect spelling and my heart breaks all over again.
I do look for the day my Darling Son is well again, i hate to see him like this i wish i could take it all away from him. I just Love him so much.
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14th December 2008
A lot has happened since my last entry. On the 26th Nov we went to the service at the Church where my Mum was sent from on her last journey, we go every year it is a service to remember everyone who has passed in that year and also in the previous years. It is very sad and it is hard to see the hymn sheet through all the tears, it is a Catholic service so we take communion and light a candle which we bring home, i have now got 3 candles and will carry on going every yr until it is my turn to have my name read.
On the 7th Dec we went to Loros Light a Life service where the name of your loved one is put on the Tree and it is all lit up, once again i will go every yr until my name is put on the Tree, it was really nice, there were again so many people, it was absolutely freezing, but after all it is only a hr out of my life to be cold but to be there knowing it is for my Mum is so worth it.
My Son is still ill and the other day they informed me that his Liver Function test was not showing right, so he has to go for more tests. His arm is still in the sling and he is still on Heparin, he does not complain about anything he just get's on with it, but it is horrible to see him restricted as he is, i just want him well and just getting on with his life, i Love him just so much i hate seeing him like this.
I have put some trimmings up even though it will never be the same without my Mum, i cannot look at her picture for to long as it just breaks my heart, the horrible thing is i want to talk about her but when i do all i feel is the loss and the pain in my Heart, when my Mum went she took a part of me with her which can never be replaced.
But my Son holds the rest of me here. The Love i feel for him is the Only thing that is keeping me here on this Earth.
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AS EACH DAY GOES BY THE PAIN OF LOSING YOU GROWS STRONGER. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HOLD ON MUCH LONGER.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE ALL MY TEARS ARE COMING FROM. BUT ONE THING FOR SURE, I KNOW I MISS YOU MY BEAUTIFUL MUM.
AM I EVER GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN?. MY HEART IS IN PIECES I FEEL SO MUCH PAIN.
I CRY FOR YOU MORE WITH EACH PASSING DAY. ALL I CAN DO IS LOOK AT YOUR PICTURE AND SAY:
I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH YOU. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU MORE OFTEN JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU WERE LYING IN BED AT HOME IN PAIN. I'M SORRY FOR THINKING HERE WE GO AGAIN.
IT'S FUNNY HOW I CAN SAY SORRY NOW MY LIFE HAS BEEN SHATTERED. WHEN I SHOULD OF DONE ALL OF THIS WHEN IT TRULY MATTERED.
I'M SORRY MUM FOR ALL THE THING'S I DIDN'T DO. I KNOW IT’S TO LATE NOW.
SO ALL I CAN DO IS CRY FOR YOU.
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15th DEC 2008
How My Mum Suffered.
For a few years leading up to my Mum being taken she had a lot of stomach pain. But we just put it down to Mum being Mum.
Christmas 2005 she was sitting at the table eating very slowly because it hurt to eat, everyone had done and she was still sitting there and i took her plate thinking she had done, but she said "She could not eat quickly as it hurt to much", once again i thought this is Mum being Mum and never thought much to it.
In 2005 Mum was saying how her stomach hurt her even if she moved, it hurt to touch it and also her left leg was numb and hurt to touch it (Which i am now sure it was vitamin B12 deficiency), my Mum went to the Dr's on many occasions and was assured there was nothing wrong.
But i got hold of her medical notes and she went for an endoscopy in 2005 and it stated in there that her Liver did not look right, a letter was sent to our Dr stating this and nothing was done, she was just told she was fine.
My Mum suffered so much as we now know she had Pancreas Cancer along with secondary Liver cancer, she had all the symptoms of these but no one picked up on it, was it because of her age? mind you she was only 67 but she did have a disability.
My point is not the failings of the Dr's or hospital but of my own failings in not listening to her or helping her, and by m not having to time to listen to her when she would tell me how much pain she was in, i let her suffer all of that time and did nothing. I hate myself and will do so for the rest of my life and i deserve anything and everything i get, i deserve to live in misery.
Here is the big one though and i know everyone is going to say "Don't be stupid of course she did", I don't think my Mum knew How much i loved her because to be honest i didn't even know, so how on earth could she?.
I have not put down a fraction of the thing's that happened and how my Mum suffered, as right now it is killing me to think of it. But i will at some point document it so it does not get forgotten.
I used to Love Christmas but now i just dread it as there is yet another reminder that my Mum is not here. but i have to get through it for my son's sake i can not let him see how it hurts me, although i know he knows how i feel, he is so nice to me all of the time he never say's a wrong word to me, i just Love him with all of my Heart.
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19th DECEMBER 2008
My Mum has gone and is never coming back and I do not know what to do.
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25th DECEMBER 2008
Well we all went down to Marias for dinner today it was good, but of course there was one person missing so it was tinged with sadness as all my day's are. This is our 3rd Christmas with out my Mum and it does not get any easier, i used to look forward to Christmas, but it has now lost that magic, i have to keep going though for my Son i do not want him seeing how bad i feel inside. My son is my the only bit of happiness that i have left, without him i am nothing.
I will be going to see another medium soon with my sister I'm looking forward to going as i have heard she is really good, i just want to know my Mum is ok and Happy.
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26th DECEMBER 2008
I feel as though i am sinking, when people talk to me i can hear them and i know i should respond but a lot of time my mind is just somewhere else and it is only after i have finished speaking with that person that i think i should of responded in some way or another way. Don't get me wrong it does not happen all of the time but it is happening more and more frequently, i am lost in my own mind and it is like the world is just carrying on around me but I'm not part of it somehow.
For a person who in the past has always had an opinion or something to say it is very strange, but i can't stop it, it is running away with me and i don't know what to do.
I'm just watching Love Actually, Mum loved that film, there is a song that get's played called "Songbird" and the weird thing is when Mum passed i heard it on a music channel and saved it and i was amazed when that very song was in this film, even though i has seen this film before i had not realised it was this song. My Mum is part and parcel of everything i do and think and my eyes are always ready with tears.
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1st January 2009
Well we have a new year but as i see it different date but the same pain.
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20th February
I keep as busy as i can, i need to keep my mind occupied all of the time because as soon as i stop i let the pain and hurt straight back in.
It will be Mothers Day soon and on one hand it is good because i know i will get a lovely card off of my son with wonderful words.
But on the other hand i have got the pain of knowing my Mum is not here, it is a strange thing not calling anyone Mum anymore, i can still hear her voice in my head, she would ring up and say "It's me Mum" I'm sure she did not think i recognized her voice bless her.
I look at her pictures and i cry i remember the things she used to say and i cry, but most of all i remember how i was sharp with her sometimes or did not have the time to talk to her and i hate myself.
I cry because i miss her so much, but i also cry because i wasted the time we had left by not telling her how much i loved her, i hate myself and will for the rest of my life.
I dream about my Mum most nights in fact it is rare for me not to, in my dreams i am aware that she is not here and i talk to her, i tell her i love and miss her and i actually got to ask her if she knew how much i loved her.
She does not speak when i ask her where she is, she just looks at me, i kiss and hug her and then i wake up and cry because she is not her with me.
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22nd March
Well Mother's Day is here again and we shall be going up to the cemetery to see my Mum, that is such a horrible thought it fills me with a sadness that i cannot describe. I just want this day to pass as quickly as possible.
A couple of weeks ago i had a dream about my Mum (I rarely do not dream about her but this was different) Normally when i dream about my Mum all i want to do is hold and kiss her and tell her i much i Love her, but when i do that she stays very silent and i start to wake up. But this time was different, i told her i loved her so much and i that i knew i loved her all along but i did not realize how much, and was kissing and hugging her, but instead of my Mum keeping silent, she said "When did i start know this" and i said "September 16th".
You see i did know that i loved my Mum but i never had a clue just how much and it was only when she had gone, that i realized the depth of my Love for her, but it is all to late now as i should of told her while she was here.
My Son whom i Love most in this World has just given me the biggest bouquet of Flowers, they are the most unusual flowers i have ever seen and they are so heavy, they are absolutely beautiful, and in the middle of them is a funny looking Alien balloon, i must say that made me smile, And he gave me a card with words that he had written which made me cry. He also gave me £100 saying he did not know what to buy me, Well who needs presents when i have the most wonderful Handsome Kindest Son on earth. When i am feeling at my lowest the strangest thing happens, My Son will either do something or i can hear him laugh and it reminds me why i am still here. The love i feel for him is keeping me here on this earth.
My Son is the one thing i Thank God for..
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10th MAY 2009
Tomorrow is my Mum's Birthday she would have been 72yrs old, and instead of ringing her up in the morning and singing Happy Birthday i shall be at her graveside with my flowers, looking down at her beautiful face on her Grave stone with my heart breaking.
I have not been on here for a while as Mothers day and the lead up and also way past it was very hard, it is just one of the cruel reminders that my Mum is not here. It was a very sad sight to see all of those people at the cemetery with there flowers and gifts, leaning over the stones giving them a wipe, wishing our Mum's were here, wishing we had done and said more while they were.
You come to me in my dreams and i talk to you. I tell you i love you, you tell me you love me too.
I hug and kiss you and try to hold onto you for as long as i can, but then i wake up and you are gone, once again you leave me all alone.
You visit me everyday in the form of my memories and they hurt me i must be true. But what would you say my darling Mum if i came to you?
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21st May 2009
My brother came round today and gave me a whole lot of mail, for me to sort out as he said nothing good comes in the post for him so he does not bother reading any of it.
But i needed to get it sorted because his car insurance was going to be canceled amongst other stuff.
But as i was going through it all i came across a letter from the Electoral roll which needed to be done and as i opened it there was my Mum's name at the Top and all i did was cry and put it away, i could not bare to ring up and say she was not here anymore.....
The day's and Years go by but still i Cry....
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8th June 2009
I'm just siting here remembering, one day about 10 weeks before my Mum passed my sister rang me she said she was with my Mum in here garden and my Mum was sitting there with her head down and dropping off to sleep now and again. We were talking and said it was because of the tablets she was taking, which we thought we just her normal tablets but she was overdoing it, so i spoke to my Mum very harshly about this and she spoke to me words slurring a little, i had no patience at all with her. I told her she needed to stop doing this and that she herself was causing herself all the problems she was getting.
Little did any of us know especially me that my Mum was Dying she was taking the extra medication for the pain she was in, she was not doing it on purpose as i had accused her of. That is why i sit here right now and cry whilst writing this and i will carry on crying because i cannot put right how i spoke to her. There are some many instances that just break my heart, why did i not know? How could i not see the signs? why did i not listen when she told me she was in pain?.
I look across at her picture of her taken 2 weeks before she died on my fireplace it is my favorite picture, she has a small smile and she is looking at me, i can still hear her voice and feel her hands and when she kissed me. I don't know how much longer can i handle this pain in my heart, but i do know this i only have myself to blame. So i shall suffer in silence as it is the very least that i can do.
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26th June 2009
My sister was here the other day and she said my house is so quite and that I should at least have a radio on, as if I did my Mum would come.
I did not tell her that ever since my Mum had passed we do not play music in here like we used to in fact we do not play music at all.
We (Me and my son) used to blare our music out at all times of day and night, but our house has been left in silence since my Mum has gone, I just cannot bring myself to enjoy music as i used to.
I prefer the silence of my thoughts as I go about my daily routine, with my Mum always in my thoughts. The pain hangs over me like a cloud which will stay with me until my time comes.
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6th JULY 2009
Well my kitchen is finally finished, all i have got to do now is my passage and then it is all finished and i can sit back and relax knowing that when my time comes i can leave this earth and know he will be ok.
Everything i do is for him as i do not want to leave him with thing's to do as i know he will not be able to cope.
I love him so much he is the one and only reason i am still here on the earth, the sadness i feel is so overwhelming i struggle to keep going. But i do it for him and will carry on doing it for him until the choice is taken away from me ..
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11th JULY 2009
I used to put my faith in God and feel there was a path that we all follow, that was the only way I could make sense out of everything that happens (Mainly the bad thing's).
But this is a contradiction in terms as I do not believe that God created Heaven and Earth, I believe we evolved over millions of years along with the Earth.
This all makes so much more sense then saying there is a God, as how could he possibly justify the suffering that goes on all over the world and how Man can be so evil and cruel.
I know this is going to sound stupid but I did not know that Darwin had the same idea as I did, so on that instance alone it must be true, because it was not planted into my mind by anyone else, it was a purely independent thought on my part.
Before my Mum passed I always thought that Death was the same as before we were born, there was a nothingness, I clung onto this hope as this life has made me so tired that Death would be my one and only release.
But then my Mum passed and all of a sudden I am hoping there is something else, as it is the only way I can cope to think that maybe my Mum is still here with me, I know she is with me all of the time as she lives in my heart, but as my heart is broken it hurts all of the time.
I now put all of my faith in my Mum I ask her to keep my Son safe.
I dream about my Mum more often then not, I ask her to come to my dreams and she does. But even though she is there I feel the loss I am conscious that when I wake she will not be here, and that hurts just so much.
So I conclude we are all full of contradictions, we make thing's to suit ourselves at the time we need them most. The world and the Human race evolved over millions of years and as evolution never stops, it will ultimately all come to an end and go full circle, but I thank god I will not be here to see it, I also thank God that my time here is going to be relatively short and I know it will some day come to an end.
God is a state of mind and we all know that nothing comes close to the power of the Mind.
I have just 2 emotions left and they are: The Love for my Son that keeps me here on this earth and The pain in my heart for the loss of my Mum.
I have nothing else left I have no hopes or dreams apart from the ones I have for my Son, but that is fine by me. I do not need anything because I have already gone.
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17th JULY 2009
Quiet a few thing's have happened especially this year, but i did not mention them in this blog as they are just thing's that are happening to other people, Life and Death goes on and it will carry on doing the same, everyone has a story to tell.
But mine remains the same i did not do enough when i had the chance, i am trapped in this world that goes around in my head i carry it with me no matter what, that is my punishment and mine alone, i think i am doing quite a good job of hiding it as i do not want anyone telling me that it is wrong what i am feeling, because there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better.
There is one thing that can lift me for a while and that is to hear my Son laughing, that is the best sound in the world, it has helped me get through this nightmare in which i live.
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18th JULY 2009
My Son
I was there when you took your first breath.
I was there when you took your first step.
I was there when you said your first word.
I was there when you hurt yourself and cried.
I was there when you grew into a man.
And when I am gone, I will still be with you because I am your Mum.
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I was talking to my Dad and Step Mum today and I do feel sorry for them, they are not happy where they are My Step Mum is depressed and my Dad said he is just waiting until his time it up.
All I can do is talk to them and keep in touch, but I know nothing I say can help, but hopefully they know that I care.
I just wish I would of done the same for my Mum.
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1st AUG 2009
My Mum is gone and i still cannot come to terms with it. Everyday i wake up it is like the first it hurts so much, i can hear and see everything going on around me and i try my best to be a part of it, but ultimately my mind is not here guilt is killing me and there is not a thing i can do about it...All i can do is wait until i am Free ...
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11th AUG 2009
I wasted the last 4 weeks that i had with my Mum, i knew she was dying but in a stupid way i did not believe it. I should have used the time to talk to her, but i didn't i carried on as normal around her, i just thought by me being there was enough.
And on her last week when she was sleeping more and i asked why is she sleeping more, i was told it was because she was awake at night, but now i think back i should have seen the signs as she was awake a lot at night anyway, why didn't i say something?
And then the Friday before she passed i was there with my sister and friend, we were just chatting my Mum was sleeping and my friend felt her chest and said her breathing was shallow, and tried to wake my Mum was just said she was sleeping and she was ok, but i now know she was dying, i hate myself for not saying more..
And that night why did my sister not ring me to tell me she had had the Dr round and that my Mum was going, why did she not let me know so i could come round and be with her? Why did i get the call when my Mum had already gone?
I Love my Mum so much, but how could i not have known how much i Loved her until she was gone so i can't tell her how much, all i can do is cry and live with regret and hate myself.
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THESE TEARS ARE MINE YET I CRY THEM FOR YOU.
THIS HEART IS MINE AND IS BROKEN IN TWO.
THE MEMORIES ARE MINE BUT ARE FILLED WITH YOU.
MY DREAMS ARE A PLACE I CAN BE WITH YOU.
YOU ARE WITH ME ALWAYS, I AM NEVER ALONE.
YOU ARE EVERYWHERE YET YOU ARE GONE.
THE WORDS ARE ENDLESS THAT TELL HOW I FEEL, WHEN ALL SAID AND DONE.
BUT THE WORD THAT EVOKES ALL THESE FEELINGS, ABOVE ALL IS "MUM".
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14th Aug 2009
When my Mum first passed i did not miss her because she was still here, i could touch and kiss her.
Just after my Mum had passed she was lying there on the bed, i laid my head next to hers, she was still warm but i knew she had gone as she was very still, more still then anyone should be. I kissed her and held her hand for along while.
After a few hours they came and took her from us, i still did not miss her. Then as the day's followed i was busy arranging her final farewell, we went to see hr and changed her into her pink nightie with a soft cardigan and slippers, i still did not miss her.
The day before her funeral she came home and we played music and had her favorite tv shows on, a lot of her friends came to see her, i was holding her hand and kissing her, as i was holding her hand it was getting warm, she was very soft and smooth she looked like she was in a very deep sleep dressed in her Pink dress with White cardigan and Purple slippers on with her Diamond necklace that myself my son Imran and Charlie my brother had brought for her on a previous birthday.
We had all written letters and had put them in her hand a friend had put a picture of her unborn child in with my Mum, also a friend of my Mum had put a red rose with her. As i had said before my son and myself stayed with my Mum all night we never left her alone.
Then it was time to take my Mum on her last journey and still i did not miss her. All of a sudden in the next few days i had the task of sorting my Mum's affairs out it was so hard speaking the words to people that my Mum had gone, i cried each time i had to do it (in fact i still do cry when i speak the words) and then when the day came that all of her everyday things were sorted there was nothing left for me to do.
And that is when it happen i started to realise what death was and it hit me i Miss my Mum and i will for the rest of my life, to say i Miss my Mum doe not seen a strong enough word, but that one little word is killing me from the inside.
You cannot see, hear or touch my pain but i know it is there i live with it every minute of every day and my Heart is broken.
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30th AUG 2009
Yesterday morning I had a dream about my Mum, we were in a bathroom and she was talking about it, but the funny think was i could not hear her voice yet I knew she was talking. But anyway I virtually right away became aware and went over to her and hugged and kissed her and told he I loved her so much more then life, she said said "She knew" and that "She loved me too", she felt so soft as she had always done.
I then woke up as I always do , I know that as soon as I become aware in my dreams that i will wake up soon, so I know to tell her quickly the thing's I need to say, which is always how much I Love her.
I then wake up with mixed emotions, I am happy because I have touched and spoken to her, but then I also know that I will only ever be able to do it in a dream, I shall never touch her or hear her voice or kiss her ever again and it makes me cry to think of it, I spent most of the day crying in fact I am still crying now.
It is my Birthday and my Son got me a wonderful card, he always does he put's the most lovely words in them that make me cry. Card's mean so much to me from my Son. I have the last card my Mum gave me 2 weeks before she died, at the time i did not realise the significance of it as it was the last card I was ever to get from her. I no longer like my birthday or any other celebration to come to that as it is a reminder that my Mum is missing.
If I did not have my Son I know I could not go on, well to be honest I would not go on my pain would be at an end, but I cannot inflict this kind of pain on the person I love the most in this world my Son, so I stay until I have no choice in the matter and my time here will come to an end.
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15th September 2009
It is 3 years to the day that I last heard my Mum speak or seen her alive. It is 4pm and at this time 3 years ago I was with my Mum, I never knew I would never see her alive again.
She was asleep for most of the day, but my sister said she had been awake most of the night so she was tired.
I hate myself for not knowing that this was going to be the last time I would be with her, why did I not hold her hand more and talk to her, why did I not kiss her more.
The pain I feel is unmeasurable my Mum has gone.
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25th September 2009
3 Years ago to the day I was sitting by My Mum, in the background there was music playing the Tv was on with Steve Irwin one of her favorite programs.
She was lying there in her pink dress and soft white cardigan holding letters that we had all written to her.
I was holding her hand and it was getting warmer her skin was so soft.
People were coming and going all night, it was good to see that people cared.
It has been the longest and shortest 3 years in my life, on the outside I am the same as I ever was but on the inside I am a different person.
It's hard to explain what I feel other then my heart is just so heavy.
My Mum has gone and I cannot tell her how much I love her, but that is the cross I must bare as I did not tell her enough when she was here.
One word of advice do not leave it until it is to late because there comes a time when it is out of our hands and it hurts so much.
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10th October 2009
Thing's that my Mum will never see again.
The Sun shining brightly, The Moon in the sky at night. The Rain coming down on a cold and miserable day.
The Flowers that she loved so much the Animals she loved to see.
There are endless things that we all take for granted.
What I will not see ever again, My Beautiful Mum .... Of whom I also took for granted and am paying for it every day of my life.
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19th October 2009
I started this blog as a tribute to my Mum and her life, but it has turned out to be about me and how I am feeling which in itself makes me feel so very selfish.
Please don't feel guilty, it was my time to go.
I see you are still sad, and the tears just seem to flow.
We all come to earth for our lifetime, and for some it is not many years.
I don't want you to keep crying, you are shedding so many tears.
I haven't really left you, even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my Heavenly home, and am closer then you know.
Just believe when you say my name, I am standing next to you.
I know you long to see me, but there is nothing I can do.
But I'll still send you messages, and hope you understand.
That when your time comes to cross over, I'll be there to take your hand.
If only the above was true.
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22nd Nov 2009
Well its coming to the time of year that we used to love, now it is just a reminder that my Mum is not here.
She would make an Apple strudel for the Dr and his staff every year they all loved it so much and loved making it for them, she would buy lot's of different presents for everyone, and would always forget to take the price off, we expected it every year and was not disappointed. She had this way of making us laugh so much. The irony of that is, is that now it makes me cry to think about it.
On Tuesday 24th Nov it will be 32 yrs since my step dad died, he was just 34 yrs of age. I still remember it as though it were yesterday, I remember him very fondly he was a very good man and treated us all so nicely, we had some brilliant Christmas's with him and Mum, they were filled with laughter and lot's of cooking, giant Turkeys and loads of Satsumas, the house was so warm and decorated beautifully.
I miss those days in fact I miss so much, but there is nothing I can do about it I have to stay strong for my Son. The past is never coming back those feelings are never coming back, all I have are my memories and those will never fade.
And so I will carry on remembering and crying because that is all I have left apart from my wonderful son, whom I love with all of my Heart and is the ONLY reason I am still here..
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24th NOV 2009
Well it has been 32yrs since my step dad Roosevelt passed, he was a good man and father to my brother. It makes it all the more sad for my brother because he has no parents, but he has me and the rest of us and his kids.
The funny thing is, is that it is Thursday today and it was a Thursday when Roosevelt passed, he had a heart condition, previously he had been in hospital to have an operation as he had a leaking heart valve. He collapsed in the street and was taken to hospital but nothing could be done, he was just 34yrs old, I still remember his face but I can't remember his voice which is a very sad thing, I have never thought about that until right now. I will never forget him.
My brother was just 3 yrs old when he heard the news that his Dad was gone, and the thing is he can still remember the day even though he was only 3, he has never gotten over his Dad passing. And I know he will never get over our Mum passing. It is hard to put into words what it feels like for our Mum being gone from us, in fact no words to truly express how I feel.
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6TH DEC 2009
Today we are going to Loros for the switching on of the Tree Lights, we go every year Mum's name will be in the book of remembrance. Lot's of people turn up it is held outside and on some occasions it has been bitterly cold, but that does not deter anyone as we are all there for one reason, and that is to remember our Loved ones whom are no longer with us.
Right now I am so unhappy, but I do not show it in front of my son or anyone else for that matter, as it would not be fair to inflict the way I feel on anyone.
My Son speaks to me so lovely, he is just so nice to me. It makes up for everything else that is going on around me.
On the 26th Nov we went to the remembrance service at the Church and I thought this year I would take my glasses so I could actually see the booklet with the hymns, but I still could not see the words as you cannot see through tears.
My heart is in pieces I am a word, look or thought away from crying all of the time. I miss my Mum so much words cannot express, in the same instance I Love my Son so much he more then makes up for everything that I am going through.
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13TH DEC 2009
I don't think some people realize how fragile life is, it can be taken away at a blink of an eye and when it's gone it is gone forever. Death is so very final, I only ever get to see my Mum in my dreams, I tell her how much I love her and kiss her. And when I wake up my heart feels heavy knowing I will never see her again.
Life is good to some people and some people do not realize how good they have it, while others are here to suffer.
I am here for my Son he makes my life bearable, I stay for him and him alone.
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16TH DEC 2009
I used to love Christmas, I would get this wonderful feeling when it was getting close , I used to love putting up the decorations and having carols playing in the lead up to Christmas, it all used to be over too quickly.
Then the Christmas of 2005 came and it all started to go downhill from there, but I never had a clue just how bad it would be, because it got a lot worse in the coming year as my Mum was taken from us.
But because of my Son I still put up the trimmings, and tried to carry on through Christmas as good as I could, it felt such a sad time of year as I would think back to when I was younger and how lovely Christmases were, but no matter what I still felt like it was Christmas.
But I have just realised Christmas for me has gone, It no longer feels like Christmas even with all of the trimmings and lights flashing along with stuff on the tv. Even when it was really bad it still felt like Christmas, but now it has gone, the feeling is no longer there and I know it is never coming back.
So I will go through the motions of Christmas for the rest of the time I have here and hide the fact of how empty I feel, a broken heart and guilt takes it's toll after a while and it seems my time has come.
But no one will know what I am feeling, as this pain is mine and mine alone, it is the cross that I must bare for the rest of the time that I am here.
I AM NOT SCARED TO DIE ALONE,
BUT IT BREAKS MY HEART, TO THINK OF MY SON HURTING WHEN I AM GONE.
I AM NOT SCARED TO LEAVE THIS LIFE BEHIND, BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK I WILL MAKE MY SON CRY.
I AM NOT SCARED OF WHAT LIES AHEAD, BUT THINKING OF MY DARLING SON, WHOM I WILL LEAVE BEHIND FILLS ME WITH DREAD.
I AM NOT SCARED BECAUSE PART OF MY HEART WENT WITH MY MUM, BUT THE PART OF MY HEART THAT IS NOT BROKEN, IS WHOLE BECAUSE OF MY SON.
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24TH DEC 2009
Well another year is almost over, Christmas seems to come around so quickly. It is our 4th Christmas without our Beautiful Mum and it does not get any easier, all it does is remind us that she is not here and there will be an empty space not only at dinner but in our hearts.
If Mum was here she would be doing her last bit's of shopping getting extra presents for everyone, it's funny but she always seemed to know what to get us.
She would be taking Apple Strudel that she had made to the Dr's surgery, she did this every year and they all Loved it so much.
It is impossible to be happy with a broken heart, I know for a fact that if it was one of us that had gone, Mum would never have been able to cope, she Loved us all so dearly.
Why could I have not been a better Daughter, well it is to late now the damage is done it can never be put right and I only have myself to blame, so I deserve all the pain I feel.
I just Love her so much I would give anything to hug and kiss her, but I know if I could hug her I would never let her go, my Mum took part of my heart when she left.
But I have my Son he is my reason for living, so I put on a smile for him because I do not want him to see the pain I am in, I do know that he knows how I feel and he is brilliant with me. He is perfect in every way I just Love him so much.
So my Darling Mum all I can say is, is that I miss you and Love you and hope that one day we will be together again ...
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3rd JANUARY 2010
We make choices throughout our lives, but there comes a point where our life is what it is and there is not much more that can be done to change it.
I do not regret my life as i have got my wonderful Son whom I am so proud of.
I do regret many actions though, the thing about regret by it's very nature is that it cannot be put right, so you have to live with what you have done, even though others may forgive you, you cannot forgive yourself.
Life passes by so quickly and a broken heart cannot be mended, so with each day that passes, it is just a reminder of what has gone and a reminder that I will never be able to put right the wrongs I have done....
There are 2 thing's in my life that are with me everyday, and they are My wonderful Son whom I Love with all my heart and My Mum whom I am never going to see again and who I cry over everyday.
THIS IS MY LIFE...
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15TH JANUARY 2010
Well we are heading into our fourth year without our Mum and it still hurts so much.
I was just thinking how I have never said that I am proud to say that you are my Mum, I proudly tell everyone about you, you are part of our conversations everyday you will be in our Hearts forever.
I talk to you throughout the day, I talk to you last thing at night and first thing in the morning, and hope you come to me in my dreams.
You are with me always and I am proud to say You Are My Mum and I Love You.
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5TH FEB 2010
It is just heartbreaking to talk about my Mum to people because it brings home that she is not here. But I do it all to time as I must keep her alive and around us.
I am 50 this year and I have less years in front of me then behind and to be honest it feels good to know.
I do not want to leave me Son behind as I love him dearly, I could not love anyone as as I love him, so I feel so guilty in my thinking but in the same instance life is so hard.
But I will carry on for as long as I have got left. My son keeps me here and I love him.
As I am writing this on the Tv is a program and the woman on there is singing Ave Maria, which is the song we had playing in the church as my Mum got carried in, I still remember how it felt looking at my Mum's coffin in front of us knowing she was in there. And also knowing she has gone forever.
But not understanding just how much I was going to miss her.
My Mum has gone my heart is broken, but I am not alone as I have my Son...
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10th Feb 2010
For the most part we do not know what lies ahead.
But I can be 100% certain of 2 thing's:
1. I am never going to see my Beautiful Mum again.
2. One day I will be free.
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6TH MARCH 2010
The time passes so quickly it is almost 4 years since our Mum left us, I still cannot look at her pictures for long as it just makes me cry, I have got a special picture of her in my living room she is looking directly at me. Her face looks so soft with a gentle smile her eyes look at peace, this picture was taken just a couple of weeks before she went she knew what was coming and was in a way happy to go. Although she did not want to leave us all behind, she knew she had to go and was fine with it. I think she was tired of the struggle and the pain.
I hate the fact that she has gone and the heart ache I feel, but I do not be grudge her the Peace she is at right now. because I know one day I will also be at peace, the only thing that hurts about going is leaving my Son who is my whole world, because without him I am nothing.
I dream about my Mum on a regular basis, it is so good to see her and hear her voice, but when I wake up it just compounds the fact that she is not here.
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7TH MARCH 2010
I'm so tired I struggle everyday I struggle in everything I do, there is not a moment in the day or night that I do not struggle. Everything is a challenge and I am finding it more and more difficult as each day passes.
I hold onto the fact that the day will come when my struggle will be over, so at least I have that to look forward to.
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MOTHERS DAY 14TH MARCH 2010
To my beautiful Mum, what do I say to you now that you have gone, all I can hope for is that you knew how much I loved you with all of my Heart. I know I did not show it all of the time and that is something that will torture me for the rest of my day's, all of those missed opportunities to let you know how much I Loved you have now gone and will never come back, I wasted so much time, when the truth of the matter is our time here is relatively short and if we do not make the most of it or let loved ones how much we love them, we Live to regret it, it seems regret is not a big enough word to explain how I feel. There are no words big enough to express the enormity of losing you.
I know it is to late but I just wanted to say. I Love you and always have and one day I will either see you again and be able to hug and kiss you and tell you how sorry I am, or my torture will be over and there will be a nothingness as it was before we were born.
So my Darling Mum Happy Mothers Day I Love You and that will never change all I have left now is my Son and I have to stay here for him, I could not let him go through what I am going through I love him way to much for that, and I will be here until the day comes that I have no choice... xoxoxo
My Wonderful Son got my a Lovely big Teddy and come chocolates and a Card, he always writes such lovely words to me that make me cry. He is just perfect and I Love him so much. He is my whole world. I truly thank him for being my Son..
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20th MARCH 2010
Last night I asked my Mum to come to my dreams as I needed to hug and kiss her. Well as always she did.
She was in a room sitting on a chair facing the window, I instinctively knew she was going to die and that she was just waiting, she looked so tired and and calm. I went straight to her and hug her and kissed her and begged her not to go and leave me behind. I held her for as long as I could until I woke up, I knew it was going to be a bad day I love her so much.
I will of course ask her as I have done every night to come to my dreams, as it is the only chance I get to see her and be with her.
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17th April 2010
The sun is shinning it is a beautiful day but all I can do is look at your picture and think I will be with you soon.
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11th May 2010 Mum's 73rd Birthday
Well it is my Mum's Birthday Today and she should be here with us, she is only 73, why was she taken from us? Why did I not do more when she was here and spend more time with her?.
Last night my Beautiful mum was in my dreams. I asked her to come to them just before I feel sleep and she did, she always does, I dream about her most nights.
But last night I hugged and kissed her and told her how much I Love her and she said she loved me too. If you are reading this and still have your Mum please do not wait until you can only hug and kiss her in a dream, tell her now how much you Love Her.
Don't leave it until it is to late like I have, or you too could end up crying each day for what you have lost.
As a family we are going for a meal tonight for my Beautiful Mum's Birthday, but she is not going to be there so how can I possibly be happy.
I want to go down her house as my brother still lives there and has done some wonderful things with it, although when you go into the Living Room her slippers are still be the sofa, Her bedroom is exactly as she left it.
I want to go down more but it is just so hard to go and she is not there, the place feels so empty, just like my Heart there is a space that will never be filled.
My wonderful Son is my reason for staying on this earth and I will stay for him because my Love for him cannot be measured.
One day though I will go to my Mum. But not yet my Son needs me and I need him.
So My Darling Mum I can say Happy Birthday for One reason and that is, I am happy that you were and still are my Beautiful Mum.
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31st MAY 2010
I just want my Mum, the thoughts of my Mum swim around in my head all of the time no matter what I am doing.
But there are times when all of a sudden it hits me like a bolt and it hurts just so much.
I look at my Mum's picture and she is looking at me with her beautiful knowing eyes. She looks quietly beautiful and calm in the knowledge that she is going away soon.
I look around my house and see the places where she was, and it crushes me to know that in the video below was the last time she was here and I never knew...
I am lost and my heart is broken. I just want my Mum ...
But I do not want to leave my Son ....
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4th JULY 2010
I had a dream about my Mum last night, holding her feels so real but I knew as soon as I become aware she will go, so we were just singing a song called "Stealing Love on the side" it is a lovely reggae song.
I can see her in my mind, I can hear her talking to me, but she is not here and that is like torture.
I will never get over losing my Mum.
I will never get the chance to watch her grow old.
I will never forgive myself for the things that I have done.
The day's, weeks. months and years go by.
But nothing changes and still I cry.
I totally accept that this is my life, so I make no plans for the future because I do not have one..
I love my son with all my heart and I stay here for him and him alone.
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24th JULY 2010
I try to remember the good times with Mum, but it is so hard when I hate myself so much for not taking more time listening to her when all she wanted to do was talk, I was always to busy.
Even when he came home from hospital, we knew she was leaving us but I still didn't use the time to really talk to her. I though there would be more time but clearly there wasn't and I wasted the only chance I had to let her know just how much I Love her.
She comes to me in my Dreams and I tell her there how much I Love her, but I wake up and cry because I know she has gone forever.
I am who I am because of my Mum.
I do what I do all for my Son.
PEOPLE HAVE GOT THE HABIT OF ASKING HOW ARE YOU?
I REPLY WITH A LIE AND TELL THEM IM FINE.
THEY SAY THE TRUTH HURTS.
WELL IN MY CASE HURT DOES NOT EVEN COME CLOSE.
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28th JULY 2010
We we leave this earth we take our memories with us.
But we leave behind other peoples memories of us.
Over time with each generation the memory of us fade, until there is only a picture in a photo album and a passing comment is made as they flick through.
In the scheme of things we are here for a very short time, we feel pain and joy and suffer with a broken heart... But nothing lasts forever which can be a blessing as well as a curse.
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8th AUGUST 2010
The day I saw my Mum lying so very still on the bed, was devastating.
Then as she was lying in her coffin wearing her Pink Dress with a soft white cardigan, Purple slippers. A Diamond necklace which myself my Son and my brother Charlie brought her for her birthday. Along with a Ruby Necklace I brought her when I was 13yrs old. In her hand were letters from all of us and the D&G pink purse my Son brought her. And Red Roses from a neighbor along with a scan of a family friend's baby.
It may sound stupid but I do not know if it was the shock or that it just hadn't sunk in, but I did not realise that this was going to be the last time that I would get to see her Beautiful Face, or stroke her soft skin, or hold her hand.
But 3 years and 11 months later I know all to well that I am never going to see her again the pain of which is hard to describe.
To take a lingering look at her Picture fills my heart with pain and my eyes with tears.
It is coming up to my Birthday and the anniversary of my Mum's passing so there is the added pain at this time, which makes it all very difficult.
I talk to her through out the day, hoping against hope that she can hear me..
I listen and look for signs to show me that she is here, whenever I hear something that can't be explained I always make a point of saying "I know it is you Mum".
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29th AUGUST 2010
Well tomorrow is my 50th birthday and it is so difficult not to cry all of the time, Ive had flowers delivered and cards and it is so difficult as all it does is remind me that my Mum is not here.
And for another year I will have to use the card she gave me 17 day's before she passed.
If I could just totally ignore my birthday I would, but others want to mark it so I just go along. And try to act happy when down inside of me there is a pain that quite simply makes me cry.
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I have not got the words to express how unhappy I am.
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2nd OCTOBER 2010
I was talking to my brother the other day and we both agreed what we say to people has no bearing on how we feel inside.
If someone asks if you are "Ok" they don't really want the truth, so we protect other peoples feelings and lie.
My brother also said he kids himself into thinking he is ok, as that is the only way he can cope.
My actions in no way show how I really feel, sometimes I slip up and cry but all in all I think I hide how I feel quite well.
I wasted the time I had left with my Mum and there is nothing I can do about it apart from Cry.
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6th NOVEMBER 2010
I am trying everyday to find a shred of happiness, but it does not come. I have an underlying sadness that envelopes me like a blanket.
I try to think of the good times with Mum, but they do not help as all they do is make me miss her more.
I try to keep as busy as possible as it is the only thing that helps for a short time, but as soon as I stop, my grief is there to meet me.
All I have left is my wonderful Son and my grief. But even though my grief is strong, the Love I have for my Son is stronger.
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17TH DECEMBER 2010
Well another year is almost over and yet another Christmas without my Mum, it does not get any easier. In fact it just get's harder as it compounds the fact that she has gone forever.
There are no words that I could say that could possible come close to what I feel.
My Mum still comes to my Dreams on a regular basis and this gives me the chance to tell her how much I Love her. But it can't stop me crying over her on a daily basis.
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23rd DECEMBER 2010
It's almost Christmas and this year everyone is coming to our house for dinner.
It would have been nice for me to say a few words for you my Mum, but I have been warned by my Sister that she does not want me making any kind of "Speech", so Mum I will be saying my few words to you on here as this is My tribute to you..
This is our 5th Christmas without you and it hurts as much as the first. I look around and see your face looking at me, but your voice is just an echo in my head.
I remember all of those wonderful Christmases you gave us, and I thank you from the bottom of my Heart for giving me those memories.
As I look around the Christmas dinner table, your beautiful face is missing. But that does not mean that you are not here with me, as you are with me every minute of everyday.
Because you are in my Heart and there you will stay until I can join you.
So my darling Mum just because I have not been able to mention you, you are here and always will be.
I Love You Mum.
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14th JANUARY 2011.
Christmas went by very fast and much as I expected it was filled with thoughts of you, mind you I am always thinking of you. but at Christmas it is filled with the thoughts of what it was like when I was younger, the good times we all had and how special you made it feel for us..
It was so funny how a lot of the times you would leave the prices on the presents, as you had not noticed they were there, or you would wrap a present in the shape of what it was....
It is those small thing's that seem to stick out in my mind at these times, I will carry on remembering even though it is very painful. I need to keep you with me all the time even though it makes me cry...
Well here it is another year, I do not hold out any hope for it to be better then last year, I just hope it will not be any worse...
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5th Feb 2011
Time goes by so quickly, and I know realize that the pain has slotted into my everyday life.
It has been almost 4 and a half years since I spoke to you or held your hand or kissed you. It is only in my dreams that I get a chance to tell you how much I love you and kiss you. You are in my thoughts through out the day, you are the first and last thing on my mind at the beginning and the end of the day.
Im so glad a comment was left on this blog by a very dear friend, she has many fond memories of Mum, she knows how funny Mum was.
But it makes me cry to think that when Marion came on the Friday to see my Mum, that she mentioned her breathing was not quite right, I wish I would have taken notice as just 18 hrs later my Beautiful Mum was gone.
I hate myself for all of those times I wasted, not taking every opportunity to tell my Mum just how much I loved her...
It is all to late now and all I'm left with is a broken heart and regret.
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25th APRIL 2011
Over the past couple of months I have not been well, I had Pneumonia and was in hospital, I would not be here if it was not for the Love and help of my Son.
Words cannot explain how good he has been to me. I love him just so much.
We are now in the 5th year of not having my Mum, when I say I "Miss Her" it feels like it is not a big enough word that could possibly come close to what I feel about not seeing her.
Of course she is always in my dreams, but I have to wake up and she is gone again.
It is only the Love of my Son that keeps me going on.
Without that I would have nothing.
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17th JULY 2011
I wonder if the day will come that I do not cry for my beautiful Mum, somehow I don't think so
because the pain is still with me.
It's hard looking at her picture for long periods because it just make me confront what I know in my heart and that is I am never going to see my Mum ever again.
Everything reminds me of her, I cannot talk about her without crying,
In fact I can't even think about her without crying.
We had her for such a short time, I just wish I had made more of the time we had. That is just one of my regrets that is tearing me apart.
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24TH JULY 2011
The sun could be shinning so brightly, that it makes you squint even though you have Sunglasses on.
But when you are in a Dark Place, no amount of Sunlight no matter how bright, Never comes through.
It is like you are down a Deep Well looking up, you can see a speck of bright light right at the very top, but you are way to far down in that dark "Well" to ever get close to the brightness.
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Thursday 15th September 2001
5 Years ago today was a Friday I had said Bye to my Mum for the last time, I did not know it was going to be the last time I was going to speak to her.
She was in fact dying she had just 12 hours left on this earth.
She was not suffering or in pain, she was just very sleepy.
Then at 6.10 am Saturday the 16th, my sister rang and said come quick Mum is going.
My Beautiful Mum passed at 6.20 on the 16th September 2006.
5 years on, it still feels like it did on day 1. I can remember everything that happened it felt surreal and we were swept up with all the preparations and on saying goodbye for the last time.
It was only after the funeral that it really and truly dawned on us that we were never going to see our Beautiful Mum again. And it has been a nightmare ever since.
My heart is broken and it just will not mend.
Saying that I miss her does not come close to how I feel..
So I just want to say, I love you Mum and will never stop Loving you or thinking about you.
You took a piece of my Heart when you went so please look after it until I come to you.
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10TH JANUARY 2012
The more I go on the more tired I get, I'm tired of struggling every day of my life.
I'm tired of having to act like everything is fine, when inside I'm dying with grief for my Mum.
I Love my perfect Son more then words can say and He is the only reason I will carry on with the struggle.
One day this will all be over, and the worst thing about that is is that it will be the end of my suffering but the beginning of my Son's, so the only thing I can do is let him know that he has been perfect in every way.
I could not have had a more perfect Son, he is wonderful, he Never has a wrong word to say to me, no matter what I say or do.
He is my life without him I am nothing..
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15TH FEBRUARY 2012
My Beautiful Granddaughter was born today, she is just so beautiful.
I Love Her So Much.
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17TH MARCH 2012
I have a pain that cannot be healed, I live with a sadness that never goes.
I put on a face to the world, so as not to let them see the pain I feel inside.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day it is double edged, on one hand I'm Happy because of my Son and on the other hand my heart is breaking because of my Mum.
I now have a beautiful Granddaughter who I Love with all my heart, I have never seen my Son so happy it is a wonderful sight.
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11TH MAY 2013
Today is my Mum's would have been 76.
It has been almost 7 yrs since she was taken from us, people say "Time is a great healer",
if that was the case then why do I still cry everyday, why can I not look at her photos without crying?.
Time has not healed at all, it is just a reminder everyday that I will never see my Darling Mum again.
When the phone ring's it is Never going to be her voice on the other end.
On my Birthday she is never going to sing to me.
On her Birthday, me singing to her.
At Christmas she is not there at the dining table, or giving us presents that are wrapped in the shape of whatever it is.
And Mother's day is like a stab in the heart.
But then again I have my darling Son and im his Mum, so I have to carry on for him.
These thing's may seem small, but honestly they make these times of year even worse, because I miss them so much it actually feels like a real physical pain.
My Love will Never decrease, My Pain will Never Stop.
But I have My Son and Granddaughter. They are worth the pain I feel inside.
So My Beautiful Mum "Happy Birthday" You will never be truly gone. because I you are in my Heart. I Love You xxxx
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9TH NOVEMBER 2013
ALWAYS TREAT A LOVED ONE AS IF IT IS THE LAST TIME YOU ARE GOING TO SEE THEM.
BECAUSE ONE DAY IT WILL BE !!!!
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24th JANUARY 2014
This is the start of the 8th year that I have not seen you my Beautiful Mum.
I get on with Life because I have to for the sake of my Amazing Son.
But I'm so unhappy and tired, and I cannot show it to anyone.
So I put on a smile a just carry on, while inside I feel as if I'm in a dark hole and cannot escape.
I wonder what this year will bring?
I do know one thing though, My heart will remain broken…
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5TH APRIL 2014
Earlier today I was speaking to someone who had a problem, and I said to them that sometimes "Acceptance is the best healer of all".
Well if I could only take my own advice, I might finally start to heal.
I talk to my Mum every day,
but get no reply.
I want to remember the good times and laugh,
but all I do is cry.
I have pictures of you everywhere,
but it is to painful just to sit and stare.
There are no magic words that can be spoken.
Because loosing you my Beautiful Mum,
Has left my Heart Well And Truly Broken..
Reading back on this blog, it seems full of gloom with no way out.
But I do have good thing's in my life, that I am so very grateful for,
My fantastic Son who is my world. My gorgeous granddaughter who is a little princess.
And my family, there might not be many of us, but we are Our Mum's legacy. And for that I am thankful ....
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11th MAY 2014
My Mum's 77th Birthday...
I was going to write something about today, but my Niece Shantay wrote this on FaceBook.
She has written it so eloquently I have not changed a thing.
She is only 16yrs old with a baby of her own. She does not always say much but when you read what she wrote, you will get an insight on how thoughtful she is...
happy birthday to my beautiful nana,
the most brightest star in the sky,the most gorgeous angel and the best nana in the world!i miss yu so much like I don't think anyone understands!i miss coming down the little hill to your blue bungalow,to this day I don't think no one still knows why yu painted it blue ahahah!I miss seeing yu going around in your little wheelchair sorting your flowers out,the ...times we yu used to go Tesco and whoever was pushing yu,yu used to tell them to let yu go down them little slops,you'd stick your legs up and arms out and just scream the whole way down ahah,yu was the woman in the wheelchair who RAN HER ENDZ;)!
it upsets me that the fact yu couldn't get to meet jordannah or her dad tbh,because I no yu woulda liked him even though yu woulda hated how much we argue ahah!but I no yu was watching over jordannah for the month she was in hospital and yu helped her recover so much more faster!so I couldn't thank yu enough for helping my little girl through her first month of life!
I don't show tears everyday for yu but I no yu wouldn't want that from no one!i miss yu so much and love yu loads,today is your day&il see yu later beautiful!
rest in paradise
I hope they beat cancer one day♥
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8TH OCTOBER 2014
Time is moving on, it has been 8 years. time brings no peace I am broken. I carry you with me and talk to you everyday, my tears only a blink away.
Oh Mum, how have 8 years passed, but I remember as if it were yesterday the last time I spoke to you and looked at your Beautiful face, not knowing that it was going to be the very last time that would happen.
It is strange because none of us know when anything will be the last time. So we should act as if everyday is the last time.
If it was not for my Son and my Love for him, this would be my last day.
Love You My Beautiful Mum ... x
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22nd OCTOBER 2014
When I look back on all I have written, it is filled with pain and sadness. I wish I could be happy and write about happy times, but I just can't I feel so sad inside all of the time.
I live with so much regret of thing's that I should have said and done, but didn't and it haunts me.
I try and say to myself there is nothing I can do to change the past, which is true but that does not help, the fact is I can't get any of it out of my head.
It's almost like I want to punish myself, that I deserve to live with this pain that I put myself through.
I do not deserve to be happy.
And this is the only place that I can say it because ive got no one to tell it to because they would just not understand.
Also I know the people that I love most in this world do not read this so it does not matter.
I stay positive for my amazing wonderful Son because I could not bare to think he knew how bad I feel inside. I Love him way to much for that.
I love to hear him Laugh and sing Man Utd football song's :).
He said an amazing thing the other day he said that "His Daughter never need to fight as she had him for that".... He is a truly amazing Man and thank God everyday for giving him to me... And little Gigibell is the most beautiful girl in the whole world, I Love her just so much..
It is true that I have Family around me that I Love and that Love me too, so I suppose im very lucky.
There is only one person missing My Beautiful Mum ...
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11th March 2015
I am so unhappy, there is no end in sight, it seems as I try to get on track something else comes along to ad to the mix.
I just try to exist from day to day..
Each day is harder then the last, more and more get's thrown at me.. I'm just so very tired of it all...
One day my posts on here will stop and I will be free ...
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9th August 2015
I remember 4 years before my Mum was taken she was very ill, in fact they told us to prepare for the worst. She had got a twisted bowel, they operated just in time and then she developed Pneumonia and had to be put on life support.
Well she came through it and we were talking one day and she told me that, she was asked the question "Are you ready to go"? and she answered, "Will I see my children again"? the answer came back as "No" and she said "No then Im not ready".
She told done all of this was said without words and she did not know what it came from..
I have a picture of my Mum taken a couple of weeks before she passed and she has this quiet look of acceptance, no fear just peace.
Because she knew what was coming and was not afraid. She tried to make it as easy for us as possible, little did I know the pain that was to come, will be with me for the rest of my life...
There is some good news, Im going to be a Nana again to a Little Boy, Im so happy, our family is growing larger and larger, with all the new babies coming along..
To think my Mum had 6 Children, we had no Aunts or uncles or Grandparents, it was just us. And now the Family is growing at a rapid rate, with our children having children.
Our children are keeping my Mum alive by naming there children after her and talking about her and taking them to see her.
Soon us "Siblings" will all be gone, but our Mum's legacy will carry on and through our Children's Children and so on...
Our Family was built on Love and that is what will be left behind as we all go one by one..
Thank you Mum for making us who we are...
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15th August 2015
I dream't about you last night Mum, I was at your house with a few others.
Anyway me and you were in the kitchen, and all of a sudden I became aware and hugged you tightly and told you how much I loved you, you told me "You Love me Also" I was kissing you and kept saying how much i Loved you, and then I asked why did you leave me ? and the grief came flooding in.
I did not let go of you, but then I woke up with the sad realisation that I wake up everyday with, and that is, You are gone and my Heart is broken...
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16th September 2015
9 yrs ago today you left us.
The time has gone by so fast, yet at the same time it has been the longest time.
To not see and talk to you is so painful, words cannot describe the feeling inside to know that I will never be able to hug and kiss you ever again.
Death is so final it is hard to comprehend, life goes on for everyone left behind, albeit different from before, but none the less it does go on.
Life is short. Death is forever. You can't have one without the other, it is the one and only thing that unites every living thing.
So my Darling Mum, I will carry on Crying and Missing you everyday.
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27th September 2015
The day's go by so fast, one blends into another. The year is almost over.
It's so hard to think I have not spoken to you for over 9yrs, where has the time gone?
So much has happened and will carry on happening, it is called life and it goes on no matter what.
I do not look to the future, I just go day by day and deal with stuff as it arises and deal with it as best I can.
When the door opens I smile, and when it closes I cry..
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15th October 2015
Today my Beautiful Grandson "Maddox" was born.. Word's can't express how happy I am..
I know my Mum is keeping him safe, as he was born a few weeks early.
He is so Beautiful I love him with all my heart.
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6th November 2015
Happiness comes and goes in waves, A broken heart lasts forever.
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21st March 2016
This year marks 10 years since my Mum left us. The past 10 years are pretty much a blur,
lot's has happened, Ive got beautiful Grandchildren who make me so very happy, I love them dearly.
I talk to my Mum everyday without fail, it makes me feel she is still here with me. I need her to keep me strong, to help me get through this time without her. Until we are reunited and my pain end's.
The worst thing that breaks my heart, is the knowledge that when my pain end's my Son's pain begins. So I have to stay here as long as possible, because I can't bare the thought of him going through the pain I am.
Right now I live for My Son, My Grandchildren and of course my family.
I still have work to do and my Mum will help me through, she is always by my side.
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21st November 2016
Well another year is almost past, they go by so quick. Ive been wrapping presents for Christmas, thinking about you Mum and it doesn't get any easier knowing yet again another year with you not here.
I now live with the fact that you are gone, but it still hurts so much. The crying does not stop.
Oh Mum I miss you so much. I know this pain in my Heart is with me until I am not here anymore.
I am very grateful for what I have got an amazing Son and the best Grandkids in the world.
My Son & Grandkids are my reason for living.
And Im happy to stay here for them.
I love you my Beautiful Mum ..
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4th January 2017
It is now going into the 11th Year since my beautiful mum was taken.
Im still waiting for it to get easier, but I have come to the realisation it is never going to get any easier.
Im just having to learn to live with the fact that my heart is broken and it is going to stay that way.
But saying all of that, I have got to stop wishing for something that is never going to happen.
And be grateful for what I have got and that is my Wonderful Son and fantastic grand children.
Im so proud I could burst, my Son is perfect in every way.
I would not be here if it was not for him.
Im so proud of my Grand children also they are brilliant kids.
I could not wish for more.
So after some consideration I have come to the conclusion that this is my Last post.
Goodbye x
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JOHNNY BARROWS
Mar 1st 2022
This is our much Loved Handsome Brother Johnny Barrows, he was a Dad to: Kylie, Jade, Thomas, Jake and Reece and Grampa to Noah, Nevaeh and MoonBay. He was also Uncle to: Imran, Adem, Layla, Leticia, Tyrell, Devon, Jamel and Shantay. And no forgetting he was the Perfect Son.
He would come in a room with his massive smile and then bear hug you 😀, his hugs felt like he really meant it. He had his own sence of humour, to which he would laugh until he cried. Thus making us laugh as well.
He had a massive Heart, he never had a bad word to say about anyone, he touched so many peoples lives. Who ever met him could never forget him.
His love for his Children and Grandchildren cannot be measured, he was so proud of them. At Christmas we all knew what we would be getting from him and that was a Picture of his Children wether we wanted it or not 😁.
He Loved Clint Estwood & Superman, and the biggest thing everyone know about our Johnny is his Shorts, if there was even a hint of Sunshine out the Shorts would come, and from March onwards it did not matter if it was chilly out, the shorts stayed on 😁. He played his music very loud with the windows down in his Car.
Over the years he had some struggles but you would never know as he hid it so very well.
Recently over the past year his light started to dim more and more, there was still glimmers of himself coming through from time to time, laughing and Dance, well I suppose we can call it dancing after a fashion 😂
But ultimately his demons took over our Precious Brother it all got to much for him, he was so very tired.
On the 26th Feb 2022 at the age of just 57 our Handsome Darling Brother Took his own Life.
He has been reunited with our Beautiful Mum, she will take care of him, our hearts are Broken, there are 6 siblings - Mug, Suraya, Johnny, Maria, Angela & Charlie. And even though our Amazing Johnny has joined our Beautiful Mum. We are still 6 Siblings as we will never Let Him Go.
His Children are beyond devastated, he was such a brilliant Dad and Grandpa.
I WROTE THIS FOR MY BROTHER.
To be Judged on How Many You Love,
Sometimes, Is not a True Comparison.
But to be Judged on the people that Love You,
Now, “That” is a Real Reflection.
To Love Unconditionally,
Is not Easily Done.
But Too Him It Came So Naturally,
That Is Where He Truly Shone.
With Eyes That Shine, And Arms Open Wide,
With a Smile, That Lit Up His Face.
You Knew, He Was Going Too Kiss You,
And Would Feel His Warm Embrace.
When a Smile starts to Fade,
When Eyes That Shine Grow Dim.
It Shows The Outside World,
What Is Felt Within.
So Please Do Not Be Angry,
And Try Not Too Cry.
For I Am Never Far From You,
This Isn’t A Goodbye.
So Whether He Was Your.
Dad. Grampa. Brother. Uncle. Son.
And Whichever Path, Your Life Now Follows.
Never Forget, We Had A Superhero In Our Lives,
And His Name Is,
Johnny Barrows.
Goodnight Johnny Barrows Time To Rest.
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Below is a letter I wrote for Johnny 2 years ago, because I thought I would be the first to go. I have not changed anything. I just wished he would have known what I trully thought of him and the love I feel.
Johnny,
What can I say, you really are one the strongest people I know.
To have been through everything you went through and to carry on going, is amazing.
I know how you struggle inside, but you do not let anyone see it.
They all think you're ok, but I know the pain you are in. Not just physically, mainly mentally, and that is the worst kind of pain. Because how do you cure it?.
I am so proud of you for just getting on with everything and not making others suffer because of how you feel.
You have never really had anyone you can talk to, to get all the thing's out what you feel.
You really do need to sit down one day and just start writing everything you feel inside, everything that has happened and how it is has affected you. be honest about every single thing, get all your feelings and thought’s out.
You won't remember everything all at once, so as you remember go back and write it down. You must do it as soon as it pops into your head, that is the only way to get it out.
There will come a point when you start writing less and less. And one day it will just stop.
Then just put it away, leave it there. Then the day will come when you can just throw the thing away, you can either read it or not before you throw it.
But I would just throw it away.
I Love you so much, you are a good person and great Dad, your kids absolutely love you.
To be fair people you meet really like you as well.
I will be honest though, I do not get your humour 😀 that's because you're a div 😁.
Ok John I'm going now, just
remember I Love you with all my Heart.
Your Sister. x
I'M GONNA MISS HIM FOREVER.
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DECEMBER 11th 2024
I am just so unhappy. I can’t seem to shake it off. I did tell them how unhappy I was. And they said they loved me and not to be unhappy. So when I’m around everyone, I put that happy face on. Just to make them feel better.
But the Truth is. I’m tired now I just want to join my Mum and Johnny. I don’t want to be here anymore.
I Love everyone dearly. But I have nothing left. I lay here trapped in my Bed 24hrs a day. I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t even breathe on my own without a machine. I can’t get myself comfortable, I’m in pain.
There is nothing left of me. I am useless. I used to enjoy shopping on the internet. Especially Temu. But I was buying to may items. Even though they were really cheap. I would never spend much but I was made to feel I was ordering too much. So I’ve stopped.
I used to look forward to Christmas. Buying a Christmas Shop. Filling the cubboard up with lots of different food and snacks. And things I like and what everyone else likes. But even though I use my own money. I get told I’m buying too much. Even though it all gets eaten and everyone likes it.
I’ve grown up with Christmas being so Special. And all the things that come with it. The Trimmings. The Songs, The Films and with a special Christmas shop. My Mum used to do it and I then did it every year. Until this year. I can’t fight the questioning anymore about why do I buy this why do I buy that. I’m to tired I have nothing left. I can’t just shrug it all off.
I’ve Not been able to Watch Christmas Films or programmes. I used to set out which day I was going to watch which film or Show. I have also stopped listen to all the Christmas Songs I loved. I just can’t do it. My mind won’t let me. It is to Sad.
So I’ve Stopped. I shall not buy anything again. Unless I truly need it and I can explain why I need it.
There is nothing left of ME. Of who I was, it’s all gone now. And I have No one to tell or talk to as it just gets shrugged off.
I have the Best Son in the world. He has been so kind and good to me. He has kept me on this Earth. I should have gone long ago. He has taken care of me and done things that a Son should not have to. But he did it with a kind Heart.
I have The most amazing Grandchildren. They are Brilliant. They have made me laugh so much. And brought me great Joy. I Love them dearly. And hate to leave them. But I know they will go on to do Amazing things with their lives.
I Love my Brothers and Sisters with all my Heart. My Sisters have taken great care of me. I Love All of my Family so much.
I’ve made a lot of Mistakes in my Life and I am Truly Sorry for them. But I can’t change them. I wish I could but I can’t.
Sorry is an easy word to say. But at the end of the day, it’s just a word.
So now I’m just laying here waiting for my time to come. To be honest it is the only thing that keeps me going. Is knowing that, this Will come to an End.
I know I’m being completely selfish in my thoughts. But I can’t help it. And Once Again I’m Sorry for thinking like this.
I HATE MYSELF, FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH, FOR NOT BEING ENOUGH. AND MOSTLY FOR BEING ME.
I DO FEEL LOVED.
But at the same time, No one will Notice. That my Joy for Christmas has gone. No one will notice that there is Nothing left of me.
I cry Silently everyday. For the Past, Present and Future.
No one I Love Will Ever Read This.
I AM INVISIBLE.
